By Bridget Valls
Another Valentine’s day issue, another celebrity crush article, another student I find who owns a lifesize (kinda creepy) cutout of the celebrity of their choosing…
Poor Josh Hutcherson has no clue that a HOMEMADE cardboard cutout of him was sitting in the bathroom of junior Savannah Jones, also known as SJ. It took Savannah hours to cut out individual pictures of Josh Hutcherson, inch by inch, and glue them to cardboard. I can respect the effort, I guess.
And as bad as I feel for Josh Hutcherson, I feel even worse for Savannah’s dad. Savannah told me that she was keeping Josh Hutcherson in her bathroom–“he lived in my shower”–she told me. (He is not alive, but she is a bit delusional, clearly). She kept him in there because she was scared and could not fall asleep with him staring at her at night. Her dad (unaware of this cutout) walked into her bathroom and thought a real random man was standing in her shower. Savannah was quick to explain that it was a cutout, but her poor dad will never walk into her bathroom again. (Perhaps that was her long-term strategy?)
What gave her this idea was binge-watching the Hunger Games series two summers ago. And this gave her what she called a “bad obsession” with him. SO much so that she had a TikTok folder with 130 edits of Josh Hutcherson. So the most logical cure to this was making a life-size cutout… which she was quick to say “was not that hard because he is pretty short.”
“It took 12 hours, realistically total,” she said pretty casually, which concerned me. If only the average Lovett student spent this much time studying a week, our averages would probably be much higher…
A year later, SJ told me she was “broke” but really wanted a sweatshirt that Evvie Bresnahan (11) was selling. With no money to pay for this, she offered the only thing she could, the cutout… Evvie was quick to take her up on the offer, and he was moved into Evvie’s closet where he lives today. Who knew that a homemade cutout of Josh would become a type of currency to buy clothes? (We’ll know the economy has officially tanked if we are all trading celebrity cutouts and sweatshirts.)
Speaking of childhood movies like The Hunger Games, we received a significant response on the survey about students’ childhood crushes.
We had a whopping number of people who said that Henry Danger (played by Jace Norman) was their childhood crush, and as always, Megan Fox was featured countless times. If you remember last year’s article, this will seem very familiar.
As weird as the question of a cartoon character crush is…. I was surprised by how many people responded without hesitation. We had TEN students respond Nick Wilde. And as a victim of seeing the Zootopia 2 edits, I honestly totally understand. “He’s SO hot,” Sunjna Hebbar (11) told me when I mentioned his name. “I’ll be the bunny to his fox,” Lane Rodts (11) was sure to add on with no shame. Cartoon adjacent is Isabella Ying’s crush on Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat. Unlike others who might admire him for his high cheekbones and pecs, she finds him funny.
And I do not even want to address the response of “Clifford the big red dog.” That is just wrong. That probably belongs in the “hear me out” category. Well, he certainly would make a cozy afternoon cozier.
For anybody who isn’t familiar with the term “hear me out,” it means someone who isn’t necessarily conventionally attractive, but you still find attractive for some odd reason. (In other words, it’s the heart wants what it wants category.)
Starting with the political figures mentioned, we had students submit, “Young Joe Biden,” “Alexander Hamilton on the 10 dollar bill,” and “Thomas Jefferson in his peak.” Honestly, I do not even know how people thought these up, but Honors Amstud can make you delusional in this way. Zarin Sapra (11), while studying for her final exam, texted on her class groupchat “lowkey Alexander Hamilton.” I hope these students are just delusional due to the lack of sleep you get when taking that class. (Or perhaps they all just have a crush on Lin-Manuel Miranda?)
Ella Harvey(10) told me her celebrity crush was young Hayden Christiansen (Anakin Skywalker). Mr. Newman was quick to say, “Strange obsession.” Ella did not seem fazedbecause she talks about this a decent amount in the newspaper with Mr. Newman (who despises the Star Wars prequels).
Many people also have had NEWFOUND celebrity crushes from very recent shows. Rob Rausch from Love Island Season 6 has made a huge impact on teenagers across the nation. And this was evident on the survey, Maiya Tomlin (11) told me. “When they showed Rob, I thought he was cute, but nothing special, then I found out he wrangled snakes for a living and that made him way more attractive,” Maiya said. Maiya also knows him from being friends with one of her favorite influencers, TaraYummy. “I wish I was Tara,” Maiya said.
While Mason Thames is not a reality TV star, he has been in 3 number 1 ranked movies in the past year as well as in a lot of people’s hearts. “Mason Thames because he is tall and cute,” a respondent said. And from this year’s season of Dancing with the Stars, Robert Irwin gained a lot of attention. “I like his Australian accent, but I wish he were taller,” said Ella.
Ultimately, writing this article made me realize that people DEFINITELY have different types, and some of these types are VERY questionable, but I won’t yuck your yum.
I mean, I wouldn’t want anyone telling me I shouldn’t have a crush on Jake Paul…
