By Beza Kifle and Keya Nijhawan
A magic wand: wave it and get whatever you want, change whatever you want, be whoever you want.
The problem is that magic wands don’t exist. But that doesn’t matter, as change can still happen. According to a survey we conducted, around 50% of students would like to change at least something about themselves, whether it be their personality at school or how much they listen. This may come from a feeling of being “locked in” to their role/personality at school, as around 80% of our respondents felt this way.
When students were explicitly asked about what they would do with a magic wand, many said different versions of “I would hang out with whoever I feel like and not feel imposter syndrome in certain places. Go to all the events I want with my friends.” This answer deals with gaining confidence, which many students wish to do, as well as going out and hanging out with friends rather than always studying.
One response from a student that resonated was, “I would work out more, get better sleep, change my hair, get better clothes, be more confident.” These goals are common, and everyone relates to at least one of them. It’s important to make goals for ourselves so that we can improve.
Many students mentioned that they wished that they would speak up more or be more blunt with people. Similarly, students said that they wished that they were “less shy/scared of what people will think of [them].” Even though we sometimes want to be more outgoing, everyone has different personalities, which makes everyone unique. However, it is crucial to be comfortable speaking up for yourself, but that does come with time and experience.
To that end, we often want to be able to travel back in time with the wisdom of our gained experience. “I would start freshman year over again with everything I already knew,” one student wrote. “Over the past two years, I have matured a lot and noticed a change in who I am. Starting over freshman year would allow me to experience things with a better mindset and perspective.”
We were curious to hear from people who are a long way from freshman year and might have a unique perspective on changing, so we surveyed Lovett faculty about their reflections on their high school selves and how they’ve evolved since then.
When some of our respondents were in high school, they wished they could have been more involved in different activities that their school offered, “I would have liked to be more involved on campus,” one wrote. A couple wished they were more athletic, such as one who would tell her high school self “to play golf” since she decided to not play her freshman year.
Similar to what many students said, some faculty members wished to be more confident. wrote:, “I would have had more confidence and tried harder in school earlier on ( I think they go hand-in-hand for me… I didn’t have much confidence; therefore I did not have much motivation).”
With the ability to look back, a couple of respondents wished that they had prioritized certain friendships better than they did. “I wouldn’t have spent so much time with my boyfriend, and I would have prioritized my friends more,” one said. Another wished that they hadn’t cared about what other people thought of them, “I wanted so badly to be popular, and now I recognize how wonderful my actual friends were (that I’m still friends with). I wish I had known then what true friendship was and meant,” they wrote.
When we asked faculty about ways they’ve evolved since high school, many responded by saying that they have become more confident and comfortable with themselves. “I have found comfort in being my authentic self without the need to compare myself to others or feeling the pressure to ‘fit in’ with what’s in,” one said.
Another liked how their life experiences have allowed them to be more “nuanced” in their thinking. “Now that I’m older and have had more experiences, I know how hard life can be sometimes. I’m much more curious and understanding now,” one said.
We also asked the faculty if there was anything they would change about their lives right now if they had a magic wand; many said that they love where they are right now with their lives, “For the most part, I love my life and the people I have chosen to be in it,” one wrote. Others wished they were kinder and more empathetic with others.
No matter how old we are, it can be hard not to compare our lives with others. One respondent said that they wished they could “stop playing the comparison game with my friends and people on Instagram.” They reflected on how they are happy with where they are, but “then I see people buying homes, getting married, and having children, and I start to feel ‘behind’ in that way.”.
This particular mindset aligns with what Ms.Gilmore and Ms.Boozer said when we spoke to them about things they would change. They explained to us that in high school, they were uptight like us and never really relaxed, and a simple change in mindset would have helped them enjoy the little things throughout high school.
Ms.Gilmore explained that all the things she has faced since high school have helped her see things in a new light. The things that used to ruffle her feathers no longer make her do a double take.
She explained how things that feel like the biggest deal now deteriorate over time and will feel like something small later in life. “So things that I felt like were earth-shattering to me in high school … won’t have any impact on your life that feels so big right now,” she said.
We then wondered if, even with this mindset, Ms.Gilmore would change anything if we gave her a magic wand. She explained that, obviously, there are little things she would change because that is natural, but she would not change anything significant about her life. If something terrible happens, she is not one to dwell on it or wish she could change it; instead, she learns from things and moves on. To do this, she asks herself, “What can I learn from this? and How did I contribute to a situation? What can I do better in the future?” Ultimately, she takes each experience as a learning opportunity as opposed to wanting to change things. This mindset could help students who wish to change significant things about themselves.
Ms. Boozer told us that while many of her values have stayed the same since she was in high school, “the biggest thing that changed from high school to now is I became a Christian, so my faith and my religion became a way bigger part of who I am.”
When we asked her if there was anything in her life she would want to change if she had a magic wand, she told us that she is happy with where she is: “I think someone would be silly to say that there’s not something that they want to get better at or grow in, but there’s also value in being content with where you are now,” she said.
As juniors going through the hardest year of the Upper School, we asked Ms. Boozer what advice she would give to her high school self that she would also give to us. She told us that during her junior year, she was very busy as she was working 2 jobs and was in a lot of extracurricular activities and demanding classes. She would tell herself (and us) to calm down and have more fun. “I was so busy rushing from this competition to this rehearsal to this study session that I never actually enjoyed the things that I was doing,” she said.
With this in mind, we decided to ask Dr. Wall, a US counselor, for her insight on these feelings to help us understand why students may feel this way while going through high school. After meeting her in her office in the counseling suite, she explained that “by the time you get to the Upper School, you are becoming more and more aware of who you are, and you’re also becoming more and more aware of how acceptable you are.”
She explained that things are also different in the atmosphere of Lovett: “The peer influence and I think for girls in particular at Lovet, there is a very powerful dynamic that says, if you wanna sit at this table if you wanna fit in if you’re gonna be a part of our friend group, this is what is required.”
When Dr.Wall reflected on her high school experiences, she told us that it was always clear to her who she was, and she liked that she felt that she had the freedom to interact with people in different settings. She liked that “people clearly knew who I was,” she said.
We then wondered when conversations around this topic may come up with the guidance counselors, if ever.
Dr. Wall explained that she sometimes sees it when they have a PE class with the freshmen and talk about identity and personality. “We talk about relationships, so that might be a place where someone would talk about how they see themselves and what they like about themselves.” She then explained that our survey revealed the significant degree to which someone will try to alter themselves to fit in.
Looking back through the survey, it was interesting to see how similar students’ responses were to each other. Many of us would use our magic wand to achieve fairly humble goals: to be more outgoing, to hang out with whomever we want, and to join different clubs. But there was at least one survey taker with slightly higher aspirations: to be God.
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If you’re looking for more wisdom from Lovett faculty, here’s a collection of insights they achieved since leaving high school:
Embrace change. Make hard decisions. Trust your gut. Sometimes good is good enough; sometimes it’s not.
Worry less about what others may think about you because in reality, they are too focused on thinking about themselves.
Try your best not to care about romantic partners as much. Friend love is the single most important type of relationship you could build in high school and college. I would also encourage students to not try to grow up too much too fast. It’s so fun to be a kid/student/young adult. You don’t have the responsibilities of family yet and it’s nice to live unburdened as long as you can.
Be more precise in who you are. Acknowledge the fact that while you may try different things in life, the core of who you are is what you will ultimately become. Celebrate the aspects of your personality and existence that you are most happy with and realize that the good things that resonate with the core of who you are are the things that will be constant in your life.
Join lots of different groups. Get outside of Lovett and explore. Join a hiking club, travel with moon dance one summer, explore a new church/ synagogue, try out for a new sport, take a dance/ theater/ ceramics class, volunteer, etc. READ. Stop the mindless scrolling on your phone and get out in the world.
More often than you might think, people my age who were in high school and college before smartphones, social media, etc., comment on how incredibly hard it must be to be an adolescent right now. It just feels mean that teenagers are expected to be figuring out your authentic selves while trying to curate and maintain a public image. It’s too much! That’s more sympathy than advice, so I guess the advice would be to try to focus as much as you can on actual relationships and IRL activities. And I’ve said forever that everyone needs to have good friends who don’t go to your school. Diversify your friend groups!
Lean into the people that make you feel encouraged and comfortable. You can’t thrive until you surround yourself with people who make you happy. I think that sentiment can be applied to colleges, fraternities and sororities, majors, jobs, etc. Don’t try to fit yourself into something that doesn’t seem right just looks impressive. Take small, incremental steps towards developing yourself surrounded by people who make you feel encouraged and happy.
High school sucks. It’s okay if your life isn’t what you want it to be yet.
