By Eliza Pieschel
In the 200 years since the “Regency Era” of England, it is safe to say that dating has changed a whole lot. Letters sent from ordinary people and even romance novels from the era give us a glimpse of how intricate courtship was at the time. Let’s just say it didn’t involve DM-ing over Instagram.
When we asked people on our survey what’s missing from modern dating, people wrote that we should, “bring back yearning” and that social media and texting make everything more complicated now. While these things may be true to some extent, there are many common misconceptions of what it meant to look for love in pre-lightbulb times, especially since much of what we believe it was like is based on romance novels by Jane Austen.
Sadly, It wasn’t as good as Austen made it seem.
For one, the yearning was not as frequent as it seemed from reading novels like “Pride and Prejudice” or “Wuthering Heights.” Mr. Darcy wasn’t around every corner, he was an ideal. In fact, most relationships were made for societal advancement, rather than love.
Marrying for titles and money was a very common occurrence. Not to mention the fact that letters could take months to arrive, and while there are downsides to having social media and phones ready at our disposal, it’s nice to receive messages in a more timely fashion.
At the same time, there were no “three-month rule” and “wyll” texts at 11 pm that seem to take the romance out of, well, romance.
So what was it like?
Well, I have to be honest, I am no expert on the topic but through my research (okay, reading research done by actual professionals) and my analysis of primary and secondary sources (Jane Austen Novels and the movie adaptations), I like to think I know enough to educate some.
Starting with the beginning of the relationship, couples usually met at parties or were introduced by friends/family members. Doesn’t sound too different from a lot of relationships today, however different those parties may have been.
Couples would often exchange letters or gifts. Letters meant a whole lot more than a text does today, given the effort put into them and the amount of time they would take to arrive. Love letters in particular often meant that a couple was getting more serious and was close to engagement.
Gifts were somewhat similar to today but some gifts would have very different reactions in modern times. For example, giving jewelry to a lover was a very nice gift, as it is today. On the other hand, I don’t think many people today would be okay with receiving a lock of hair from anyone.
So how long did it take for engagements to take place? Well similarly to today, there was a wide range. Some sources say that courting usually lasted around 9 months but engagements lasted a long time, sometimes multiple years. Others say that courting could last anywhere from 1-4 years.
Of course, parental approval was required for relationships to continue, whereas young people in relationships today generally have more autonomy.
I was wondering how people facing modern dating think they would do in the 1820s dating pool. The first person I interviewed was sophomore Julia Threlkheld. First I asked how well versed in Regency era times she thought she was. She told me she has read a lot of books such as Pride and Prejudice and Little Women. She also said that she has watched the movies for both of those films and enjoyed them.
I gave her the background information mentioned at the beginning of the article before asking the broad questions. For starters, I asked what Julia thought would be the best and worst parts of dating in the Regency era. It was immediately clear to me how she felt about the idea of having to go back in time.
When I asked the best part she immediately started with, “None.” It’s understandable given gender roles in society and many of the expectations for relationships. But then she continued, “Actually, I really liked in Little Women how there was like male yearning. I find it very heartwarming and romantic.”
As for the bad parts of Regency dating, she told me, “I feel like women had very few rights in relationships and marriage. I also didn’t like how you HAD to ask parents for approval. It’s not my father’s decision and I’m not just a piece of property that can be traded off.”
Now for the more specific questions. Knowing Julia mostly wears silver jewelry, I asked if she would rather receive gold jewelry as a gift or a romantic letter. She very quickly and confidently responded: “Letter.” She also said she would rather receive letters than texts and likes writing/sending letters more.
“Letters are just so genuine and time-consuming,” she said. “They show how much you care and because of the work put into them they just feel nice to receive.”
Rather than dating apps, people looking for love in the Regency era had to put ads in newspapers to have the same effects dating apps have. However, it was very frowned upon for women to put ads in the newspaper. However, if it wasn’t I asked Julia what she thought about the idea. She said, “Yeah absolutely no dating apps but the newspaper ads kinda sound cool.”
To compare dating from the Regency era more directly to modern dating I asked two more specific questions.
The first was about socializing. While we mostly talk to people over the phone or on social media, before this technology was available people had to converse in person, which brought intimacy but meant you had to find time to be in the same room with the person. I asked Julia if she would rather talk over the phone/social media every day, or talk in person but only once or twice a week. She quickly told me, “Talking in person only once or twice a week cause I like just talking face to face with people rather than texting or calling.”
Last but not least, probably the most difficult question. “Would you rather have a serious relationship quickly, like engaged in under nine months, or be in a situation?” It took her a second but eventually, she said, “Situationship”.
I was surprised. “Really?” I said. “You don’t seem like someone who likes situationships.” “Yeah,” she responded, “but I just don’t think you can get to know someone well enough to marry them in that short of a time.”
It seemed to me that overall Julia did not like the idea of Regency dating. I asked her to confirm and she confirmed. While it may not be everyone’s cup of tea, it’s interesting to look back and see the differences and similarities in dating that have occurred over the last 200 years.
While there are both positives and negatives in modern dating as well as Regency dating, I think that for most it is safe to say that we are happy to stick to reading about or watching movies about people going through the 1800s courting process, and in real life ignoring “wyll?”
